“November 19th, 2012
my heart is telling me to do something i didn’t expect. Alex came to me two weeks ago, the way he always does. All cut up and suicidal and he watched me walk away just like I told him he would. Because I can’t go back. For the first time ever, I walked away from him and his pain.
I’m honestly still surprised at myself. But now I see myself falling into something else and I don’t know how smart it is but his smile melts my heart. And his company makes me so happy and I won’t drop everything for him or make him my top priority or even let down my guard with him but he doesn’t mind. He just keeps telling me to trust him and I wonder if it’s a mistake but I already know it doesn’t matter because it doesn’t matter if i take it slow with him or if i dive right in, I’ve already made my choice and I’m going to try until he screws me over or until i scare him off or until I get scared and make an excuse to run. But it’s weird because he’s chasing me and it’s been so long since anyone has chased me and I know I’m making bad choices because I always make bad choices but that never seems to stop me.”
Slut Walk Portland 2011
Sign says: “Not ashamed. Not intimidated. Not under control. Not pretending I can’t see rape culture. Not waiting as if it might go away on its own. Not asking politely.”
“November 13th, 2012
I’ve always thought of myself as someone who knows myself really well
and now that I’m out of my relationship with Alex and I’m trying to get to know new people, I realize that I was wrong. I don’t know myself at all.
I know the lost girl who cut and smoked and starved and did whatever it was that she needed to do to numb the pain. I knew the runner. I knew the girl who ran from everything. She ran from her pain, her past, her depression, her eating disorder, her parents, anyone who got too close. I knew the girl who was so lost. And I didn’t think she’d ever live past seventeen.
And now here I am. And I’m realizing that I was right about something. That girl didn’t live past seventeen. She’s dead and she’s gone and maybe she’s finally getting some peace. And here I am, living her life and I have no idea who I am anymore. I’ve worked so hard on my recovery and to get better and to get where I am now and I’ve lost myself along the way. Maybe that’s not a bad thing but I’m left here with this girl and I don’t know who she is. Her past is a bloody disaster but her present is lacking any kind of identity what-so-ever.
That girl died and I was so busy being a new mom and getting better that I didn’t notice. I let myself get swallowed up by my unhealthy relationship because that was the only familiarity I had left, and now that’s gone too. “
“September 16th, 2012
Can we all get off my case about ‘taking care’ of myself?
Seriously. Calm down. I am taking care of myself. The very, very, very harsh reality is that if I wasn’t taking care of myself, you’d know. If I wasn’t taking care of myself, I’d be cutting every day. I’d be smoking. If I wasn’t taking care of myself, I wouldn’t be eating three meals a day. If I wasn’t taking care of myself, I’d be self medicating in one way or another. If I wasn’t taking care of myself, I wouldn’t be taking care of my kids.
But as it is, my wrists and legs are clean. I haven’t touched a cigarette. I’m eating regularly. I’m not taking any kind of drugs. And my kids are in perfect condition. I’d say that’s pretty good considering I have no one here to actually see or care if I relapsed. Like I could do it and no one would know.
But I stand by what I said a year & a half ago. Changing is easy, just know who you want to be and then be that person. The hard part is every day in between when you have to fight against who you used to be.
But I’m taking care of myself. It’s hard and it’s every day and I’m incredibly stressed, but I’m doing it. I have come so far and I’m not going to sacrifice my three clean years for anything.”
“September 10th, 2012
I wish I could feel sexy without having to be scared of being victimized. I went out by myself yesterday for the first time in a while and I was all dolled up and dressed all nice and felt really good about myself in general. I kept on getting head turns and it was awesome. Then I was going into the convenience store and there was this group of guys heading towards the doors from the other direction. When they saw me, I heard one whisper for the others to stop and all I could think of was‘how many people will hear me scream if they grab me,’ they obviously didn’t, but that’s always my first thought. They all just stood there and watched me go in, which is fucking creepy on it’s own.
I ended up hanging out in the store until they left because what the fuck. I hate that. Why can’t I just go out and look nice without people fucking scary me, just ugh.”
“July 26th, 2012
how do normal people deal with being upset? I can’t deal with fucking emotions and i hate hate hate it. I can’t cry without getting this horrible empty feeling inside. I just want to cut or drink or smoke. I just want to self medicate or self destruct in every way I can. I am so fucking thankful for Sapphire & Jasmine. If i didn’t have Sapphire handing me tissues or Jasmine smiling and cooing at me, I’d fucking lose myself.
I really need to get a grip.”